A scene from the future? The Gurkhas, led by their queen Joanna Lumley, invade Folkestone as the townsfolk rebel against its incompetent councils with the help of Quake Island monkeys. (Monkeys and Ms Lumley out of shot).
Monkey lovers!
It's been a long time and sorry for long delay but we've been super busy building our first monkey love town called Monkey Love Town.
It's literally been all hands on deck. Oops... I was told not to mention anything about ships or nautical stuff for a while but as no one actually reads this (except for my flippn' stalker) let's just say the Russian cargo ship that went missing in the Channel had a lot more than planks of wood on board. I don't like to boast but WE ARE OFFICIALLY SHIT HOT RICH MONKEY PIRATES ...We are now unofficially the richest island in the world! Stick that in your Sunday Times rich list pipe, Mr Murdoch, and smoke it. Let's hope our collective spirit messes up your stupid list big time.
And we got three weeks free labour from the crew. They were very nice, well-behaved boys who were all builders before the economic downturn forced them to become crew to a ship carrying 'unusual' cargo. So yippee for us, they knew how to use a power drill and drive cranes and mix cement and all that stuff that you have to do to build a town without any infrastructure, which was pretty flippn' handy. And best of all they loved our island, especially our entertainment and unique interpretation of Oliver! The Musical. Anyway, suffice to say we were sad to see them go (especially the footballers who had started up their own football team, Quake Island FC. They are now back in the cage but that's another story.) If you want to read more about the cargo ship go to: www.where-the-hell-has-my-huge-cargo-ship-gone-shit-if-anyone-finds-what's-on-board-we're-in-BIG-trouble/shippingnews.com
Anyway, our town is looking 110 per cent good. But perhaps not as handsome as the bloke who played Heathcliff in that bad adaptation of Wuthering Heights last weekend. What was that all about? Me and Shmichael were well confused and I've read the book! That takes some doing. We allowed Jonathan to watch it as a special treat (Dr Ricardo banned him from the TV room as he used to get upset if people on the TV started arguing and after destroying five televisions, he had enough.) By the second half he'd completely lost the plot, saying how amazing it was that the characters had all managed to stay young looking and we had to 'get the special age-defying potion that they were guzzling'. It wasn't strictly true: Heathcliff in later life resembled that chef Marco Polo White in both looks and temperament. No wonder he could only get a dead woman interested in him. And what was all that hair stuck to Cathy's brother's face while he spent the whole second half lolling around on a table. I tell you I've been to Haworth and they certainly wouldn't allow that kind of behaviour. Flippn' waste of money! They would have been better of investing it in our fabulous town.
It's all designed on a typical Roman town with some of the best elements taken from Folkestone - our nearest neighbours. We left out the big white hotel that blocks out all the light and views by the Harbour as Schmichael says he doesn't want to attract 'those kind of tourists' on Quake Island. I never realised he was such a snob, to be honest, but he reckons they'd bring in all 'the bad tribute bands from the 60s and 70s' although none of us know exactly what he's talking about.
We went for another fact finding mission last weekend for the day and the town's going to allow yet another supermarket. I've never seen so many flippn' supermarkets...and then they complain that the town centre is dying. Me and Smichael just nodded our heads when we read the recent application. Monkeys could do better? We certainly flippn' could! The councils that run those towns should hang their heads in shame. And as for its MP...even your beloved Mrs T thought there was something dodgy about him.
Anyway, I've got myself all upset thinking about that town...perhaps we could come and free the people and get the lovely Ms Lumley to rule with her gurhka soldiers by her side. At the very least the town may get some decent public toilets.
Laters!
Monkey Friend.
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