The beginning

This is me. I'm 110 per cent better looking in real life. I was actually suffering a really bad headache when Dr Ricardo took the photo. He was trying to get me to say 'cheese'. I don't like cheese.


Greetings monkey friends!

It's been pointed out by some of my comrades that readers won't realise how we arrived at Quake Island. In turn, I pointed out that we don't actually have any monkey-loving readers so it's pretty futile. But as I have been voted island correspondent, I will do my best to relay facts to my imaginary readers. (Happy now Sharlene? Let's have no more complaining. If you can do better, go ahead. I didn't want to do this anyway.)

It's been two months since we arrived on the island. It's amazing none of us drowned as we swam ashore. Our fur is pretty thick and it was dragging us down big time. Some of the monkeys say it was Dr Ricardo's special medicine that helped us, though I have my doubts. I'm not so sure about Dr Ricardo anymore. He told us we were coming to Dover, England, UK, for a special holiday in a brand new hotel, all mod cons. No more shitty Brasilian living arrangements. That we deserved a big all expenses holiday for all those injections and headaches we suffer. Dr Ricardo said he was our tour guide. Shipping Today says otherwise. The last I saw of him was pitifully clinging to the side of the ship as it floundered. Shame he didn't take his own special medicine or use his big, fat hands to paddle to land.


Anyway, here's the Shipping Today story.

Capsized cargo ship full of monkeys colonise island


A cargo ship bound for a university research lab carrying two hundred monkeys floundered in the Channel last night.


Coastguards reported seeing the ship, registered in Venezuela, rocking dangerously from side to side.


As they got closer, they were stunned to see that hundreds of monkeys had escaped from their cages and were running riot on the ship.


Captain Black, said: “The monkeys were just going crazy, they were ripping stuff up and destroying the ship. The crew looked absolutely terrified. The monkeys managed to force a couple of them into the cages and threw bananas at them. They then threw the other members overboard.


“We picked them up straight away and the monkeys began hurling lifeboats at us. It was terrifying. The crew are in a bad way. They don’t speak English so we don’t really know what happened."


Captain Black said that the monkeys managed to swim to the newly created island in the Channel, Quake Island.

Folkestone District Councillor, Ben Hardy, said: "Talk about coincidences. We were in discussion with Boulogne Council about creating an island of monkeys there to bring in more tourists to the area since we lost the ferry and got that tunnel. It's going to save us a small fortune. Let's hope the monkeys like visitors."

The exact destination of the cargo ship of monkeys is shrouded in mystery. Crew members said that a silent scientist with large hands and a strange accent had been travelling with the monkeys but had gone overboard. He is feared drowned.

Speculation is growing that the monkeys were on their way to a brand new laboratory just outside London.

However, Cuntingdon Life Sciences who run the lab, were remaining tight-lipped about the ship load of monkeys as we went to press last night.


www.shippingtoday/capsizedcargoshipfullofmonkeyscoloniseisland