Fishing for celebs

Squealer, Dr Ricardo's favourite monkey, presumed drowned. He used to ride on Dr Ricardo's big hands in the evening when they were free from giving us special medicines. He was quite nice though he could be a bit of a snitch on occasions.
(Sharlene has just read this and wants me to point out, for identification purposes if his body washes up, that he's wearing a fawn-coloured fake fur short-sleeved jacket in this photo and that's not his tail. It belonged to Mr Fluffy Chops, Dr Ricardo's cat. He just got in the way as I took the photo. Also, that black thing around his head is a headscarf that Dr Ricardo tied around our heads when we had really bad headaches.)







Greetings monkey fans!

I bring you exciting celebrity news from Quake Island.

We have our first visitors! And not just any old run of the mill cross-channel vomit overboard the ferry visitors (more of them later) but bonafide celebrities. You’re probably thinking, ‘what do a bunch of monkeys know about celebs?’. Good question, indeed. But, you see, Dr Ricardo used to bring in his old copies of Ola! magazine and occasionally when he disappeared for weeks on end for his cycling holidays, he brought back the US and UK versions. So, my friends, we know all about your beautiful celebs and their home furnishings. And now we have our own!

My favourite is Shmichael Shmaine. He’s fun-loving like me too and thinks I’m 110 per cent better looking in real life. I know all his films and we had such fun restaging my personal fave, The Italian Job using Dr Ricardo’s battered old Volkswagen beetle which got washed up on the shore this week. We pushed it up the steepest rock here and we eventually got Shmichael in the back. He wasn’t keen. But between me and you I think he was just being modest. It was such fun! We’ve kept it up there, just so we can do reinactments whenever the fancy takes us.


We have a couple of footballers with big fat hairy thighs and not much else. Mind you their bags stuffed with loads of £50 notes will come in handy, big time. So thanks fellas, even if you didn’t seem that pleased that we fished them out. But they don’t talk that much after we shut them up with some of Dr Ricardo’s sleepy sleepy magic juice.

We picked up some old fat bloke from the other side of the island. Naughty Mr was trying to bury his suitcase stuffed full of notes in a cave. We caught him red handed. Jonathan managed to corner him in the cave and knock his glasses off, so he was a bit confused.

He kept shouting: ‘This isn’t Jersey! Where am I? Am I in Hell?’

‘No, Mr! You are on our special monkey love island. We are just off the coast of Folkestone, England, UK!’

He then sank to his knees and started sobbing. Sharlene managed to shut him up eventually with, you guessed it, Dr Ricardo’s special sleepy sleepy juice.

Finally, we’ve got this eyebrow bloke who is pretty grumpy to be honest. He has a very bad attitude considering we are his monkey hosts. Sharlene recognised him from the pages of Ola! and apparently he’s something big in musical theatre. A big fat eyebrow, if you ask me. She kept singing ‘Consider yourself at home!’ from that Charles Dickens musical extravaganza Oliver! when we fished him out of the sea. He seemed quite pleased that we rescued him but told her to shut the f*** up after he’d got his breath back. Mr Touchy, he better be careful. We have big musical loving monkeys here and now he’s feeling better, they’ve been trying to persuade him to put on a production of Oliver!. Sharlene wants to play Nancy of course. Shmichael Shmaine says he’d love to play Bill Sykes as he missed out on the part to Oliver which I don’t really understand if Oliver was playing Oliver. Flipping heck! All this confusion over a West End musical. I didn’t realise they were so complicated.

Oh and by the way, we are extremely rich now. We're up to £30 million and still counting.

Laters, monkey lovers!